


Captain America

by Josif52



Category: Dawson's Creek
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:55:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24944209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Josif52/pseuds/Josif52
Summary: A family day out gives Jack the perfect opportunity to reflect on the years since Jen's death; still trying to balance the bittersweet.  Bumping into an old flame reminds him just how far he has come.Set approximately 2 years after the finale.
Relationships: Jack McPhee/Doug Witter
Kudos: 33





	Captain America

Jack loved days like these. Clear blue skies and crisp air carrying the smell of newly fallen autumn leaves. It was a rare family Saturday – no marking or extra-curricular commitments, no interruptions from the police radio or having to wake up early just to have breakfast as a family before went to work. He had decided that they needed to make the most of it, so while Doug ‘monitored’ Amy’s morning cartoon watching he had prepared breakfast and packed up the car. 

Gone were the days of going out on a whim. Things took precision and planning. Snacks, change of clothes, coats, considering where on route they could stop for any bathroom emergencies – it all came pretty naturally now but it had taken a lot of practice and a lot of trial and error. 

He smiled remembering their trip to the zoo when Amy had first joined them. They had proudly pushed her around in her stroller, loaded with bags – diapers, wipes, bottles, toys, Amy’s favourite blanket. Jack had felt like he was finally getting on top of all the practicalities of being a father. That was until Amy got a little too excited following an ice cream that Doug had already warmed that he thought was too big, and Amy had vomited all down him. He could see the ‘I told you so’ in Doug’s eyes as he stood frozen – holding Amy out in front of him – taking in the carnage. That day he and Doug had vowed to also pack a change of clothes for themselves as well as Amy.

***

As they drove along the quiet roads leaving Capeside Jack had turned on the stereo – Amy’s favourite CD starting up automatically, making her cheer from the backseat. He glanced into the mirror; seeing her smile, checking for the forth time that he was safely secured in her seat.

He could not remember the last time they had spent a day outside of Capeside. The summer had been mostly spent on the beach building sandcastles and teaching Amy how to be safe in the water. The two of them had picnics and tea parties and played ‘spot the patrol car’ when they were out in town. They would get an extra point if it was Doug driving – two extra points if Doug spotted them and sounded the horn.

The days that Doug worked sociable hours Jack would then spend the evening prepping for the start of school. When Doug worked nights he and Amy would eat dinner in front of the TV and discuss which My Little Pony was Amy’s favourite – Apple Jack or Twilight Sparkle. In the morning they would make breakfast and have it ready for when Doug got home and then leave the house for a few hours while Doug got some sleep.

Some days were spent at the High School making posters – both of them sat on the ground, poster board in front of them, pens and glue spread over the floor. One day Amy had somehow convinced Jack that it would be a good idea to crack open the glitter. When they returned home, both covered in silver and gold, Amy had told Doug hat she had spent the day playing with fairies in Jack’s classroom. Doug had taken a phone of them both and photoshopped a fairy into the corner before printing. It had hung on the refrigerator door ever since and Amy would tell anyone that would listen about the fairies of Capeside High.

Normally the summer was Jack’s opportunity to recharge and mentally prepare for another school year teaching but since Amy had arrived that had changed too. Summer was now about creating memories, ticking wishes off of lists – making up for Amy having to be passed around while he was at work. Childcare changed on a weekly basis depending on Doug’s shift pattern. It was never certain who would be dropping off or picking up. Never certain if she was going to the childminder or at times Bessie. Or when she was collected if she would be going home or eating snacks at Jack’s desk while Jack prepared for parent/teacher evenings or took his turn running detention. Jack felt guilty that he had to entertain her with his ipad and feed her convenience food more often that he would have liked. He felt even worse that a couple of times she had spent time playing underneath Doug’s desk on the odd day that all other options failed.

Amy however seemed to love it all. She loved pushing Jack’s chair up against the white board and drawing. She would line up her toys and pretend to be teaching them. She had become so engrossed teaching shapes one evening that Jack did not have the heart to wipe away her lesson. The next day he spent the day teaching around it on the board – loving having a little bit of her with him all day.

It meant a lot to Jack that Amy also felt completely comfortable with Doug and equally loved spending time with him. Last Halloween she had wanted to be Doug’s deputy. They dressed her up in a mini version of Doug’s uniform and let her pose in the squad car. She had arrested Pacey and only let him go when he gave her candy. 

_‘Three generations of law enforcement,’_ John Witter had beamed. Jack had not realised until that moment how completely Amy had been accepted by Doug’s family. _‘You’re doing a great job,’_ John had smiled, throwing his arm over Jack’s shoulder. _‘You should be proud.’_ And he was. 

That night after putting Amy to bed he had sat and cried. He was not sure how to explain it to Doug but it turned out that he did not have to. 

_‘I get it,_ ’ Doug had said, sitting down next to him. _‘Amy feeling more ours doesn’t make her any less Jen’s.’_ He really did get it.

A year on and not much else had changed apart from Amy getting taller and smarter by the day and Jack and Doug becoming better at juggling life as a family. Their little girl was three years old – her hair more blonde than anything Jack had ever seen and a smile that matched her mother’s.

***

At some point on the drive Jack realised that Amy’s singing had stopped. Glancing back in the mirror he saw her head resting against the side of her car seat – soundly asleep. Realising at the same time Doug switched the stereo from CD to radio, searching for something less ‘cheery’.

“I was listening to that,” Jack joked.

Doug simply smiled as he carried on flicking through the stations, finally settling on something. “I knew she wouldn’t make it,” he said, glancing back at Amy.

“Best part about long car drives,” Jack smiled, changing the radio back to one of his pre-set stations.

Doug rolled his eyes, having accepted long ago that never getting to choose what they listened to or got to watch on TV was a small price to pay for the gift that he had been handed. 

“She’s going to be hungry when she wakes up,” Doug commented, noticing the time.

“I’m going to be hungry when she wakes up,” Jack laughed, reaching out and resting his hand on Doug’s thigh.

“Both hands on the wheel, Mr. McPhee,” Doug said in his best Sheriff voice – the one he used when Amy refused to get in the bath or eat her vegetables. The one that always made her laugh. 

“We’re not in Capeside anymore,” Jack informed him. “I’m not sure you have any jurisdiction out here.”

“Since when have you cared about my jurisdiction?” Doug laughed.

Jack raised an eyebrow and carried on driving – both hands on the wheel as requested.

***

There were times that Jack wondered where he would be without Amy. Would he still be in Capeside? Would he and Doug have managed to figure out their differences without Amy highlighting their similarities? He felt conflicted on a daily basis – feeling guilty for enjoying his life so much when Jen was no longer a physical part of it. He still had moments where he would pick up his phone to call her before remembering. He had moments where she was the only person he felt safe confessing moments of weakness to, knowing she would have absolutely no judgement. They were never serious things but things he longed to chat about over coffee. Like how sometimes he pretended to be asleep when Amy woke up so that Doug would get up instead of him, or how he had on occasion hidden in the bathroom to eat the last cookie. Then there was the time he had phoned Bessie at four in the morning because he was worried about a rash Amy had.

Andie had been amazing – taking her Auntie duty very seriously. She made a point of visiting regularly and helping out as much as possible – particularly following the loss of Grams that had been a devastating blow to already shattered armour. Andie had taken a week off work to come and stay, working effortlessly with Doug to help maintain normality for Amy while Jack found the strength to go on.

Pacey too had also been incredible. His promise to Jen that Saturday nights had his and Amy’s name on them had stuck – even if not every Saturday night. The once a month he managed was always appreciated and Amy loved it – particularly as she was getting older and able to tell Jack all the ‘naughty’ things Pacey had taught her. 

_‘Your brother is a menace,’_ Jack had told Doug over the phone one night, soaked to the bone after Amy had demonstrated how Pacey had shown her how to swim in the bath tub – her arms and legs flailing as she lay on her back in the tub. 

_‘I’ve been telling people that for years,’_ Doug had responded, actually sorry that he had missed it.

***

Jack now understood that it really did take a village to raise a child and after years of trying to escape Capeside he was so glad to be raising Amy there. He had bought a house with the money Grams had left him, as per her instructions, and made a home for his family – glad to have something to give Amy in years to come.

Jack pulled the car into the makeshift parking lot and turned off the engine. “What do you think?” he asked Doug, taking in the view.

“What do I think?” Doug responded, laughing. “I think you’re both going to each too much junk food, run around like loons and then crash out on the way home.” From the car he could see signs for the pick your own pumpkin patch, corn maze and tractor rides. “She’s going to love it.”

“Andie, Tim and I used to come here every year,” Jack explained. “We’d try and find the biggest pumpkin and drink hot chocolate.”

“Hot chocolate?” Amy said for the backseat.

Jack and Doug smiled at each other – she always had impeccable timing. “Let the fun begin,” Jack smiled, rubbing his hands together.

***

Jack slid Amy’s coat up her arms and zipped it up to her chin while making a mental note that she would probably need a new one before Christmas. Deciding it was not cold enough to need her hat and gloves he stuffed them into his pocket in case they were needed later.

His mind raced as the thought of Christmas crept in. He knew that they would need to make a decision soon as to where they were going to celebrate. This was going to be their third Christmas as a family. The first year they had taken Amy back to New York to spend the holidays with Grams and Jen’s mum. The whole thing had been a challenge though. Doug only had a few days off work so had to leave Jack and Amy in the city and head back to Capeside. Amy had a great time and Jack could see how much Grams was enjoying having them but Jack found it difficult. He kept expecting Jen to stroll into his room with a cup of coffee, perch on the edge of his bed and stay for a chat like all the hundreds of times before. In the quiet of the night he could hear her whisper, ‘Jackers’ or just get a sudden scent of her in the air.

The door to be bedroom hurt to walk past. He was not sure if everything inside had been left the way she had it before her final trip to Capeside or if it had been cleared – he was not sure which of those options was worse. One night he had found himself stood outside her door, fingers on the handle – frozen. Unable to open it and unable to walk away – his forehead against the wood. He was unsure how long he had been stood there before Grams found him – returning him to his own bed like he would Amy as she got older. 

_‘Sleep now, child,’_ she had whispered before closing the door.

When Doug had returned a few days later to take them back to Capeside Jack had felt torn between desperately wanting to leave and feeling compelled to stay – knowing that next Christmas things were likely to have changed again. He sat in the car and watched as the embrace between Doug and Grams lingered – a hushed exchange of words. She had patted Doug on the shoulder in a way that only Grams could do. Jack had kept his eyes on Amy sleeping in the back of the car, one of Jen’s jumpers that Jack had found in his room wrapped around her as a blanket.

The drive had been quiet. He wanted to tell Doug that he has missed him while he was gone and that he was sorry that their first proper Christmas together had been spent away from home. Part of him had just wanted to close the world out, cuddle up on the couch with endless Christmas movies and eat ridiculous amounts of good food. He did not want presents or formalities. He just wanted to watch Amy play with her new toys and make sure that he had a good time. He had felt selfish for feeling that way – especially having loved spending the time with Grams. It was just another internal conflict that he was learning to deal with. 

He had been frustrated that Doug had made an excuse to pull over when they were only 15 minutes from home. Amy was beginning to get fed up and so was he. He just wanted to be home. He watched as Doug pulled his cell phone out, standing outside the car, back turned to them. 

_‘Sorry, work issue,’_ Doug had said, climbing back into the car – knowing Jack would not question it. 

15 minutes later, as the car pulled up outside their home, Jack could not hide his smile – realising what Doug had done. The house was covered in Christmas lights that had not been there before his departure. Fake snow lay on the ground outside the house. The first thing Jack noticed when he opened the door was the amazing smell of food. He instantly knew that Pacey had been involved. Doug followed him down the hall – Amy in his arms. One the couch lay a pair of matching pyjamas for the three of them. 

_‘Get comfortable,’_ Dough smiled, _‘we have a lot of food to get through.’_

That year Jack had been given both the Christmases that he had wanted and new family tradition had been set.

***

Amy bounced from one hay bale to another – giggling and screaming, “Look at me!” as the top of her voice. Jack chased her around her makeshift circuit while Doug looked on ready to catch her if she fell – always the more cautious of the two. When Amy was looking away Jack took the opportunity to dive down behind one of the bales, hidden from sight. Doug watched on with a smile as Amy had turned back to Jack to find him gone. She instantly started giggling, jumping up and down; knowing the game that Jack was playing. He quietly crawled round the hay bales, remaining hidden.

“Where’s Daddy?” she asked Doug, looking all around her.

“I don’t know,” he shrugged, playing along. 

She shrieked in pure joy as Jack suddenly appeared, grabbing the three year old around the middle and pulling her down on top of him on the ground.

“Hay angels,” she cried in excitement as she rolled off of him and onto the loose hay on the ground, moving her arms and legs like she had in the snow last winter. Jack did the same, loving the sound of her joy.

Finally getting up off of the ground, Jack tried to brush he hay from his clothing, pulling a face at Doug – an expression of love even while exhausted. Doug picked the last couple of pieces of hay from Jack’s hair and give him a look to say ‘I’ve got this,’ before betting Amy that he could beat her to the corn maze. She set off running – Doug only a few paces behind her, leaving Jack to catch his breath.

***

Having Amy was incredible. Jack was unable to imagine anything as life changing than suddenly becoming the father of a one year old – knowing you were responsible for someone for many years to come. Nothing makes you evaluate your life more than a lifelong commitment. And while most of the time everything was great and he was incredibly thankful for the most precious gift, there were also days when it was all too much. Days where work was too demanding or he and Doug had had a disagreement. Days when Amy had not slept through the night for two weeks straight and he was absolutely exhausted. Or when Doug worked a string of nights and he felt as though he had not had an adult conversation in days. There had been occasions where Jack had forgotten to do something or had done something wrong and was way too hard on himself.

He felt as though he always needed to be two steps ahead of everyone else. Prepared for when Amy asked about Jen, or her biological father, or why she had two dads when her friends only had one. He had rehearsed answers over and over until they started to sound natural and not something he had agonised over. He had spent many sleepless nights trying to work out how to make it all okay before he finally accepted that it was not possible. It was always going to hurt but it was his job to help Amy cope with life and hope that she would grow up knowing that she was loved by so many people.

The worst days often came totally out of the blue. Amy would smile at him and look so much like Jen that he could feel his heart break – both extreme love and sorrow pulsing through him. There were days where her memory was not a comfort and he felt paralysed by it. Missing her – longing for her – angry with her that she had not given him more time to prepare. That he had been unable to ask her all the important questions that he still had in his head. There were so many things that he felt he did not know. Amy’s arrival in Jen’s life had been unexpected – it was not as though she had talked about wanting to be a parent or how she pictured she would be as mother. So many times when Jack had to make a decision he would try and think what Jen would do – frustrated that he just did not know. 

At first even the small things were a challenge. Wondering what Jen would choose for Amy’s breakfast or if she would let her watch cartoons all morning on a Saturday. While Doug had always been supportive, the decisions ultimately came down to Jack. 

_‘She trusted you,’_ Grams would say over the phone. _‘Whatever you decide is right.’_ But that was easy to say. He would lie awake at night wondering how he was going to be able to make the big, important decisions when the small ones were so difficult. 

It had ended up being his own father that had helped. _‘The decisions are hard not because she’s not biologically yours,’_ he had said. _‘They’re hard because you love her. And any decision based on love will be the right one. It’s the decisions you make based on fear that you must avoid.’_

There were fewer bad days now. Days where Doug would take one look at him and know instantly that he was not capable of getting out of bed. The sorrow and loss crashing down on him as heavy as it had at the beginning. Birthdays and anniversaries were often the worst but sometimes it could just be a random Tuesday and his heart would break all over again. On those days Doug took control so Jack did not have to. He would take care of Amy and piece Jack back together – reminding him that the loneliness and sorrow he felt would be short lived and his family would be waiting for him on the other side.

Jack loved the way Doug knew when he needed some space to catch his breath – literally and metaphorically, and in return he always tried to return the favour.

***

Amy came bounding back over to him – throwing her self into his arms, telling him all about how she had beaten Doug to the middle of the corn maze and how there was a scarecrow in the middle.

She jumped off of his lap, pulling his hand. “I’ll show you,” she said excited. “I know how to get there.”

He allowed her to pull him along by his hand, grabbing Doug with his other man as the walked by. “You’re coming too,” he smiled.

Doug did not try to protest, happy to follow anywhere Jack and Amy led him. He had never told Jack but he had been prepared to move to New York for them if that had been what Jack had decided – though he was very grateful that Jack had chosen a life in Capeside.

It took a few attempts and lot of encouragement before Amy found the centre of the maze again – neither man saying a word when they knew she was leading them the wrong way. She repositioned herself between the two of them, holding both of their hands, counting to three and expecting them to swing her off of the ground in unison. By the time they had reached the middle Jack’s arm was aching. The taller she grew the higher they had to swing her. It had been far easier when she had been smaller.

After the obligatory photos with the scarecrow Jack noticed that the temperature was beginning to dip. Pulling Amy’s hat onto her head he handed Doug her mittens. 

“You convince her to put these on and I’ll go get the hot chocolate,” he said, hearing Amy’s roar of approval. “Take a few more photos and then it’s time to come back out,” he told her, going off ahead, feeling confident that he could make it out of the maze and have the drinks waiting by the time Doug had wrestled her into he mittens and let her lead him back out.

***

Jack had been worried about how he was going to support Amy on his salary alone. He was new to teaching and had not been in Capeside long before her arrival. His house was small and rented; his car was not exactly baby-friendly. Not much in his life was baby-friendly at the time. The cost of somewhere bigger to live, a more suitable car, childcare – these were all things he had not factored in when taking his job. Doug had his apartment which was equally unsuitable for a young child and they had never lived together before. Jack had refused to let Doug pay for anything Amy related. When he picked up a pack of diapers after work Jack would always pay him back – even though Doug did not want the money. When they went for days out or Amy needed a larger car seat or a different stroller, Jack made sure that it was always his money until the day the predictable happened and it ran out. At first he had been too embarrassed to say anything. He hoped that he could make it through a few more days until he got paid and when that was not possible he called the only person he did not feel too embarrassed to call, and asked Andie if he would borrow some money.

The following month, having immediately paid Andie back on pay day, it happened again. Instead of calling Andie he decided to apply for a credit card. Jen had left a small amount of money but Jack had refused to touch it – keeping it safe for Amy as she got older. Grams had regularly offered money – making it clear that she wished to help support him and her great-granddaughter but he was too proud – feeling as though she had done enough for him over the years.

The night Doug had confronted him, having spoken to Pacey who had received a call from Andie (which Jack realised he should have seen coming), things became heated. Doug had wanted to know why he would borrow from his sister before asking him for help. Jack had become defensive, feeling as though he had failed and Doug was the last person that he had wanted to realise. He had only had Amy a few months. He and Doug had only been officially back on for the same amount of time. He had broken down; releasing a tsunami of emotions that Doug knew he had been holding in. Doug had dropped an envelope on to the kitchen counter, next to Jack’s newly delivered and unopened credit card. Inside the envelope was every dollar Jack had given him for Amy related purchases. 

_‘I don’t want your money,”_ Doug said softly. _‘I want to be a family.’_

That night they agreed that Doug should move in rather than just staying over almost every night and the he should rent out the apartment that he had called home for so many years, but somehow no longer felt like home to him. Home was wherever Jack was – it always would be.

***

Jack paid for the hot chocolate and waited at the end of the makeshift wooden kiosk for them to be ready, keeping an eye on the maze entrance for Doug and Amy.

“Captain America,” he heard. “It really is you.”

Turning towards the voice, he smiled instinctively before he had a chance to fully process how he felt about seeing the man in front of him – or how the other man may feel about seeing him. “Tobey,” he said, still smiling. “How is it that you haven’t changed one bit?”

“It’s a blessing – or a curse. Who knows,” he joked. “I thought I saw you earlier but figured it was my eyes playing tricks.” 

“What are you doing here?” Jack asked, looking around to see who he was with.

“Visiting family; I’m here with my sister and her kids.” He looked around for them. “I think they’re in the pumpkin patch.”

“Not quite your scene?” Jack asked, laughing at how Tobey was not in the slightest bit bothered that he could not locate his family.

“I can’t deny that I’d rather be almost anywhere else,” Tobey replied in a tone that Jack remembered well. “Nice surprise running into you though.”

“Really?” Jack asked, remembering how badly things had ended between them.

“Get over yourself,” Tobey laughed, rolling his eyes. “What brings you here anyway?”

“Same as you,” he replied. “Family day trip.” As if on cue Doug appeared from the maze and Jack waved to get his attention. “That’s my partner; Doug.” Jack smiled as Amy then appeared; mittens on but not her hat, knowing that Amy and Doug must have entered into fierce negotiations over the winter wear.

“Cute blonde,” Tobey smiled. “Babysitting too?”

“Not quite,” Jack said, but before he could finish his correction, Amy had spotted him and began running, arms stretched out.

“Daddy!” she grinned, leaping towards him, knowing he would catch her. He lifted her up, pulling her close as she threw her arms around his neck.

“Daddy?” Tobey asked, surprised. “I did not see that coming.”

“This is Amy,” Jack said, turning Amy so she could see the other man. “Amy, this is Tobey. He is one of Daddy’s friends.”

“Nice to meet you,” Tobey smiled, still surprised by what was unfolding in front of him.

Doug approached holding Amy’s hat, raising an eyebrow at Jack.

“I’m sure you fought a good fight,” Jack laughed.

“And lost to a three year old,” he sighed.

Jack continued the introductions, the whole time aware of the look on Tobey’s face – his eyes fixed on Amy.

“Jack McPhee with a daughter – who would have thought it,” he joked.

Jack could see exactly what Tobey was thinking and tensed knowing what was coming. He felt Doug’s hand on the small of his back. He knew what was coming too.

“Am I imagining it or is Amy the spitting image of Jen? Is she here too?” he asked, looking around, trying to figure out what was going on.

Jack tried to think what to tell the man that had been friends with Jen all those years ago, conscious of the fact that Amy was in his arms.

“My Mummy is in heaven,” Amy said matter-of-factly, hearing Tobey asked where Jen was.

Jack had always been completely honest with Amy about Jen. They made sure to have photos around and she knew who her mother was. And while Jack was not sure how he felt about the existence of Heaven it seemed like the best way to explain things to a young child. As she grew older things would likely change but for right now it seemed best.

Tobey’s face did exactly what Jack had expected – a flash of shock, followed quickly by embarrassment, only to be replaced by sadness.

Doug felt Jack’s body tense even further and jumped into action. “Amy, why don’t we take out hot chocolate to the pumpkin patch and try and find the one you want to take home?”

With a smile she dived from one set of arms to the other. Picking up the drinks from the counter behind him Jack handed them to Doug who precariously balanced them while holding Amy. 

“I’ll catch you up in a minute,” Jack smiled, hoping Amy had not picked up on his sadness.

“I’m so sorry,” Tobey uttered having watched Doug and Amy walk away.

“Don’t be. It’s fine. You couldn’t have known.”

“Is it okay to ask?”

Jack nodded, gesturing towards the bench next to them.

***

It made no difference how many times Jack told the story – it was never an easy tale to tell. He told it differently if Amy or Doug were preset – trying to focus on different things. But ultimately he had lost his soul mate and Amy had lost her mother – neither of them getting long enough with her.

Most people assumed that he and Doug had adopted a child together. Sometimes they would ask if they had considered adopting her a little brother or sister. The thought had crossed his mind once or twice but he worried that he would never love another child the way he did Amy. Other people assumed that Amy was the result of using a surrogate or a previous relationship of Jack’s – especially when Amy called Jack ‘Daddy’ and usually called Doug by his first name. It was never anything that they had discussed and Amy was free to call them whatever she chose but Jack loved it the look of pride on Doug’s face the handful of time Amy had called him _‘Dad’_.

The first time it had ever happened was one morning after Doug had been on a nightshift. The night before she and Jack had been rehearsing for Doug’s entrance. He had been teaching her to shout _‘Sheriff’_ when he walked through the door. She had been struggling to say the word – just about getting it before bedtime. She had practiced again when she woke up and was feeling confident. Still in her pyjamas, her hair a mess of unbrushed blondeness, she had waiting near the front door. 

_‘He’s coming,’_ Jack had whispered, hearing the car pull up out the front. 

Amy could hardly contain herself; Jack has his phone out ready to record her. As soon as the door opened Amy made charge – jumping into Doug’s arms. 

She opened her mouth but instead of ‘Sheriff,’ she kissed him on his cheek and said _‘Hi, Dad.’_ Still filming, Jack looked at Doug in amazement. 

Doug held Amy close, looking back at Jack in disbelief. _‘Did you teach her that?”_ he asked. 

_‘No’_ Jack smiled. _‘That was all her._ ’

***

“Is she yours?” Tobey asked, hoping Jack understood the question.

“Legally, yes. Biologically, no,” Jack replied.

“And her biological father?”

“Has never even met her,” Jack confirmed. “Doesn’t even know her name.”

Tobey did not say anything, hoping Jack would fill in the gaps so he did not have to ask.

“Jen passed away when Amy had just turned one. The pregnancy highlighted a heart defect that apparently had been there all along. She was in New York and I was in Capeside. I only found out a days before she died.”

Tobey exhaled loudly, trying to get his head round it all.

“I was Amy’s God Father,” he shrugged.

“Still a big ask,” Tobey said quietly, wondering if he could have managed.

“She’s the best thing that’s ever happened in my life but was the result of the absolute worst,” Jack explained, trying to smiled but failing.

“And Doug?” Tobey asked, giving Jack a nudge with his elbow.

“Sheriff Witter,” Jack smiled, blushing slightly. “He’s our rock.”

“A man in uniform – nicely done, Jack,” he laughed. “And how about you?”

“I teach High School English.”

“Of course you do,” he smiled, remembering how good Jack has been at helping the kids learn to read in their volunteer programme.

“How about you?” Jack asked.

“Work has me moving around a lot. I write for a national magazine.”

“Very cool,” Jack praised.

“Not as glamorous as it sounds. Your personal life takes a bit of a battering.”

“Still looking for your Captain America then?” Jack laughed.

“No, I found him. There can only ever be one Captain America in a guy’s life,” Tobey smiled. “I’m looking for my Leo DiCaprio now.”

“Aren’t we all,” Jack laughed.

“I think you have found yours.”

***

Jack found Amy and Doug stood looking at one of the biggest pumpkins he had ever seen. Walking up behind them he wrapped his arms around Doug’s waist, resting his chin on the other man’s shoulder. “There is no way that will fit in the car,” he smiled, knowing that Doug was thinking the same thing but did not have the heart to tell Amy.

“Don’t be such a spoil sport,” Doug jested, turning around in the embrace, trying to tell if Jack was okay.

“Okay,” Jack shrugged, “but I’m not carrying it back to the car.”

“Choose a smaller one, Amy,” Doug laughed, watching as she ran from one to the next.

“I’m fine,” Jack said before Doug had a chance to ask.

“Who was that?”

Jack smiled, wondering how long it would take for Doug to ask the question. “That was my first boyfriend,” he replied, looking round to check that Amy was okay.

“Right,” Doug said, not sure how to respond. “I wish I hadn’t left the two of you alone now,” he joked.

“Sheriff Witter – is that a bit of jealousy I detect?”

“Not Sheriff Witter; just Doug. I have no jurisdiction out her, remember?”

Jack smiled, kissing Doug softly. “You have plenty of jurisdiction.” Giving Doug a wink he turned away and followed Amy around the pumpkins. 

Doug shook his head, laughing. Still every so often he was struck by how much the loved the other man.

***

Jack had been wary of continuing his relationship with Doug following Jen’s death. The first few days after he had been absolutely adamant that it would never work – regardless of Pacey trying to convince him otherwise. He was hurt and scared and could see no way of Doug being able to cope with ‘outing’ their relationship and Amy’s arrival at the same time. But if anything, Amy’s arrival had been the strength that Doug had needed – recognising that he would be walking away from exactly what he had always wanted.

It was not like flicking a switch though. Things were not all of a sudden easy. Telling his friends and colleagues was hard enough, but explaining why he had not told them to begin with was often harder. There had been some instances of small town small mindedness but nothing like Doug had feared.

There were a few times when they had been out together and Jack could tell that Doug was aware of eyes on them. 

_‘It’s just because I’m out of your league,’_ Jack had joked, trying to relax him. 

They had been sat at Pacey’s having lunch – Amy sat in the highchair between them. Even Jack was aware of the looks and the whispers. Just as he was about to suggest that they leave, a woman approached their table, with what felt like a hoard of slightly less brave women in formation behind her. 

_‘Sheriff Witter,’_ she had said. _‘I hope you don’t mind me interrupting your lunch’_

They had sat bracing themselves for the onslaught. 

_‘When did you have a baby?’_ she asked, cooing over Amy, unleashing a tidal wave of women swarming them to tell them how beautiful Amy was and offer parental advice. 

Jack could not stop laughing – _‘not when did you start dating men but when did you have a baby,’_ he teased. 

_‘It was never the big secret he thought it was,’_ Pacey muttered as he walked past, making Jack laugh even harder.  
Doug looked at him wanting to be irritated but just pleased to see Jack laugh again.

***

Jack carried Amy back to the car while Doug carried the giant pumpkin Amy had chosen.

“I have no idea what we’re going to do with this,” Doug groaned.

“What’s the Halloween version of a Grinch?” Jack asked, unlocking the car and placing Amy into her car seat.

“Would you like me to drive?” Doug asked.

“I’ll drive if and you make dinner,” Jack suggested.

“Deal.”

After a tractor ride and one more go through the maze Jack was not surprised that Amy had fallen asleep on the way home – he hoped that she would still go down easily at bedtime. He glanced over at Doug in the passenger seat, quiet enough that he had wondered if he had also drifted off. Instead he was looking out of the window at the passing trees.

“Everything okay?” Jack asked.

Doug turned to him, smiling. “Everything is perfect.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“You,” Doug replied simply. “Getting married.”

“Yeah right,” Jack laughed, glancing back at Doug as he continued to drive.

“I’m serious,” Doug said, realising that Jack thought it was a joke. “I mean, this isn’t a proposal, because believe it or not I can be way more romantic than this. I just wanted to know how you feel about the idea.”

Jack stayed quiet – focusing on the road. “It’s a big commitment,” he said softly, making Doug laugh.

“In case you have forgotten we are currently raising a child together.”

Jack reached out and swatted Doug’s arm, also laughing. “It’s not that I haven’t thought about it – as a concept…” 

“As a concept? Jack, you are blowing me away with romance right now,” he said sarcastically. 

“Okay, fine,” Jack conceded. “It’s crossed my mind but I just figured it wouldn’t be anything you’d be interested in.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “Things have changed since the beginning. I’m a package deal.”

“It’s been two and a half years. Do you think I’d still be here if I didn’t love everything about being with you?”

Jack continued looking at the road, aware that Doug was looking at him, waiting for a response. Of course he had thought about spending the rest of his life with Doug – raising Amy, holidays, special occasions, retirement, old age. He wanted to do all of that with him. Amy adored him and could not think of anyone better to have in her life. And even without Amy – Jack loved Doug. He loved how from the outside he seemed grumpy and cold but when you looked a little closer he was the complete opposite. He made him laugh and feel safe. He made him feel whole.

“Okay,” Jack nodded. “Feel free to ask me sometime.”

“Maybe I will,” Doug smiled.

“I’m not promising to say yes or anything.”

“No problem,” Doug rolled his eyes. “I’m beginning to go off the idea anyway.”

***

Jack had kept the smile on his face the whole way home, even when Amy had woken up in a bad mood. He had carried her inside and left her to play with her most recent favourite toys while Doug started dinner and he emptied the car – laughing to himself when he saw how ridiculously big the pumpkin looked on their front porch. He took a photo on his cell phone and sent it to Andie as a reminder of their own childhood fun.

Jack sat with Amy while she ate her dinner, explaining to him the difference between a unicorn and a regular pony – correcting him when he thought unicorns had wings.

“That a Pegasus,” she scolded. “Like Rainbow Dash.”

“Everyone knows that,” Doug teased as he passed by, kissing the top of Amy’s head in encouragement.

“Which one is Rainbow Dash,” Jack asked.

“She had rainbow hair and runs really fast,” she said, sounding like he did when explaining something to a class of teenagers for the tenth time.

“Got it,” Jack smiled. “And Twilight Sparkle is a Pegasus?”

“She’s a unicorn,” both Amy and Doug said in unison.

“I give up,” Amy sighed, taking another bite of her dinner.

Jack looked up at Doug, pointing at Amy. “She’s picked that up from you.”

“Well, you can be very hard work at times,” Doug laughed, patting Jack on the shoulder. “I’ll go and run Amy’s bath.”

***

Jack remembered a time when his bathroom had been pretty minimalist. Toothbrush, razor, a small handful of products. Over time it had become completely unrecognisable. Bubble bath, sponges shaped like animals, toys, bath crayons (thanks to Pacey), towels with different Disney princesses and Paw Patrol pups were now scattered everywhere. There was nothing left in his life untouched. His car often looked like an extension of Amy’s bedroom. Even the bottom drawer of his desk at work contained emergency snacks and colouring books just in case. He used to watch grown up movies and read for pleasure. Now he watched Frozen on repeat and would go to sleep dreaming of the adventures of Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh. It did not seem strange to him anymore. He thought nothing of turning on the radio and having no idea what was playing or having no clue about the latest movie releases. He was at least a season behind on ‘The Creek’, though did not have the heart to tell Dawson that whenever he phoned to check in.

He was used to going shopping and only remembering to guy what Amy needed, or simply not having the energy or will to shop for himself. The first time he had needed to buy clothes for Amy he had got himself into an absolute state. Figuring out sizes and what everything was had proven too much for him. He ended up sat on the floor in the corner of the baby section with a mess of items surrounding him – Amy thankfully asleep in her stroller. 

_‘How old is she?’_ a woman asked. 

_‘Eighteen months,’_ he said, still looking down at the top in his hands. 

_‘I don’t recommend that one,’_ the woman said, taking it from him. _‘They are a nightmare to get on and off.’_

_‘I’m new to this,’_ he said, as though she had not already worked that out. 

_‘We all were once,’_ she smiled. _‘What do you need? I can help.’_

 _‘Everything,’_ he smiled. _‘Everything I have seems to have become too small over night.’_

 _‘Yeah, that happens,’_ she laughed.

Purely out of the kindness of her heart this woman had taken pity on him and spent the next hour guiding him through the pitfalls of baby clothes shopping.

The next time he had gone shopping he had taken Joey. Ever since, every six months without fail, just as the weather began to grow cooler or start to heat up, a parcel would arrive on the front porch with staple summer or winter items for Amy to grow into. Last month he had been surprised to see two parcels waiting for him when he got home. One was the usual bundle for Amy and the other came with a note from Pacey saying – _‘Jackers, take better care of yourself!’_ with a bundle of winter clothes for him. It was not until unpacking Pacey’s bundle that he realised that other than his work shirts everything he owned was looking quite worn – not coping so well with the challenged of being a father.

***

Jack felt a hand on his shoulder. He lifted his head trying to work out where he was, realising that he had fallen asleep reading to Amy. Knelt on the floor his head had fallen into the pages of the book rested on the edge of the bed. Thankfully Amy too had succumbed. He knew he could not have been thee long though as his knees and the front of his shirt were still damp from bath time. He looked up to see Doug, receiving a sympathetic smile.

Most of the time Jack was able to cope with the tiredness – it was something that he had got used to. Always on the go, trying to figure out where he needed to be next or what he needed to do. It was when he stopped that it would hit him.

The last time he and Doug had managed to get away for the night they had driven to Boston and cheeked onto a nice hotel by the water. It had been a crazy week at work and the only thing getting Jack through had been thinking about the break Doug had planned. Doug had decided to take a shower before dinner but when he emerged from the bathroom he had found Jack passed out on the bed. After a couple of gentle attempts at waking him he decided to give up, instead pulling a blanket up over him and letting him sleep. Doug had ordered room service, put on a movie and spent the evening watching Jack sleep. When Jack had woken the next morning, groggy and trying to figure out where he was – the memory of everything the previous night had promised came flooding back. Feeling guilty and disappointed he still could not avoid that fact that he had not slept that well in a long time.

 _‘Why didn’t you wake me?’_ he asked.

 _‘I tried,’_ Doug smiled, kissing him softly.

 _‘I’m so sorry,’_ he groaned. _‘I was really looking forward to last night._

Doug looked at his watch. _‘Well, we don’t have to be out of the room for another three hours. I can give you the cliffs notes version if you like?’_

_‘As a teacher I should be very anti what you just said but I am actually very in favour.’_

***

Jack splashed some cold water on his face trying to wake himself up, giving the bathroom a quick tidy while he was there. Heading back downstairs he could hear music – real, adult music. As he turned the corner, all of Amy’s toys that he had expected to find on the floor had gone. Her dinner plate had been tidied away. Her boots that she had abandoned at the end of the couch had also gone.

“I’m in the wrong house,” he smiled, appreciative of Doug’s efforts.

“Sit down. Eat something,” Doug ordered.

Jack loved it when he went into Sheriff Mode. “Yes, Officer,” he smiled, doing as he was told. 

“Sometimes I think you’re only with me for the badge,” Doug joked, sitting down opposite Jack. 

“Not so much the badge,” Jack replied. “The uniform however…”

Doug laughed picking up his fork. “You’re a shallow man.”

“I also like the free donuts,” he added, getting up and heading to the refrigerator. “Fancy a beer?”

“Sure,” Doug responded.

“Or we could open that nice bottle of red that we’ve been saving for no good reason?”

Doug shook his head, “Definitely a beer.”

Jack looked at him puzzled, grabbing two beers from the fridge. “What do you suddenly have against red wine?” he asked, sitting back down.

“Nothing – if I am the one drinking it,” Doug explained. “But there’s no way I’m letting a drop of it pass your lips tonight.”

“Why not?”

“Because when you drink red wine after a long day you get very serious and then very sleepy.”

“Since when?”

“Since always,” Dough laughed. “And white wine can go one of two ways – sentimental and gushy or just neurotic. Either way you still end up asleep on the couch.”

“And how long have you been carrying out this case study?”

“Since the night you got drunk with Gretchen at one of my parents’ God awful gatherings.”

Jack laughed remembering that night. It felt like a lifetime ago. He picked up his beer, taking a sip. “But this gets your approval?”

“Oh yeah, beer is no problem.”

“Good,” Jack smiled, taking another gulp.

“Beer make you relaxed and almost always gets you in the mood,” he said matter-of-factly, laughing as Jack almost choked as he swallowed. 

“Now it all makes sense,” Jack laughed looking around the unusually tidy house. “Sneaky. I forget sometimes that you’re a Witter.”

***

Jack enjoyed the moments of still and quiet that washed over the house. It did not happen often and usually did not last long. Some nights, even though exhausted, he would fight to stay awake, listening for the tell tale signs in Doug’s breathing that he had drifted off before climbing out of bed and sitting in one of the chairs positioned in the window of the bedroom - the one had had been sat in the fist time Amy had clearly said _‘I love you, Daddy.’_ The one he liked to sometimes sit in and wait for Doug to get home from work – Amy asleep down the hall – a blanket and good book on his lap. He did not know it yet but it would be the chair he would be sat in one lazy Sunday morning when Doug would bring him breakfast on a tray with a single red rose, Amy following behind, before climbing on to his lap and looking at Doug with a grin before delivering her well rehearsed line – _‘Daddy, please will you marry Doug?’_

He liked this chair because it allowed him to look out over the ocean. If he opened the window slightly he could hear the sound of waves lapping against the sand. If he closed his eyes and listened closely he could hear Jen’s voice. He would sink down into the chair and let her words wash over him like the waves outside. Sometimes she would be telling him that he was doing a good job. Sometime she would say that she was proud of him. Other times her voice would hold him as he cried. Tonight was one of those nights. 

He had had a perfect day with his family. He loved his life – his partner, his beautiful daughter. Jen’s beautiful daughter. Time simply did not heal the pain – it just found creative ways to make him hurt. Those nights that he wished to have her back he felt immense guilt knowing that it were so he would never have been handed the life he adored. He wondered if joy would ever be anything more than a double edged sword lodged in his heart.

He had been too lost in his memories to notice that Doug had climbed out of bed a and was making his way to him, only noticing once he knelt down in front of him, running a hand over his damp cheek. 

Doug had struggled initially with Jack’s heartbreak – just wanting to make it better. Wanting to wipe away the pain and replace it with happiness. 

_‘Some wounds never heal,’_ Pacey had told him one night soon after Jen’s funeral. _‘Just don’t you dare break his heart any further.’_ Doug had spent every day since making sure that would never happen.

One day after a bad week, followed by an unpleasant disagreement, Doug had taken off, driving for hours, trying to clear his head. He had ended up at Jen’s grave, thanking her for everything she had given him – two hearts to love and protect. He also felt the need to apologise for not always being as grateful as he should be. When he returned home, the look on Jack’s face made him feel even guiltier.

 _‘I didn’t know if you were going to come back.’_

_‘I will always come back,’_ he promised. _‘Even when I’m stupid enough to leave in the first place.’_

***

Doug held Jack’s hand in the darkness – watching Jack as he watched the ocean.

“Tough day?” Doug sympathised. 

Jack shook his head. “It was perfect.”

“A couple too many ghosts,” Doug smiled, nudging Jack’s arm – letting him know that he was not just referring to Jen. “Some still living.”

“You were jealous,” Jack smiled.

“I’m jealous of everyone that got to spend time with you,” Doug laughed. “Particularly cute, blonde, ex-boyfriends.”

“There’s not much you need to be jealous of with Tobey. To be honest he spent most of the time before we got together doing a very convincing job of pretending to hate me,” Jack smiled remembering how things were at eighteen.

“Really?”

“He used to call me ‘Captain America’”

Doug raised an eyebrow instead of asking the question.

“It wasn’t intended as a compliment.”

“Well,” Doug said, squeezing Jack’s hand. “You’re certainly our superhero.”

“Hands down the cheesiest things you’ve ever said,” Jack smiled.

“I guess that’s the affect love has on me.” Doug stood up, keeping hold of Jack’s hand. “Come back to bed. I imagine Amy will be up bright and early.”

Jack nodded, getting up from the chair and allowing Doug to guide him back to bed. “Want to be my sidekick?” Jack asked.

“For the rest of my life.”

**END**


End file.
